Friday, 24 February 2017

{This contains spoilers of the films, it is also written in a light hearted way, and really I joke about this film and don't take it seriously at all so please don't be offended lol}

A week ago, I went to see 50 Shades Darker, after a lot of protesting and claiming it went against my 'moral highway code', "Beth is that thing?" yes it is. 

Anyway, the 50 Shades books came out whilst I was studying A Level English Literature, and every week we had to stand up and say what we were reading. Whilst everyone else stood up and said the piece of literature they were reading to contribute to their A Level, I wasn't about to stand up and compete with The Bell Jar with 50 Shades Of Grey. In other words, I wasn't inclined to read this books. 

It was then announced these books were going to be made into films, my instant response to that was, they are going to make a feature length soft core porn film, not one but three?!?

Until last week I had not watched or read anything to do with these films, but alas, I thought to myself, PERHAPS this isn't going to be as bad as I thought it would be, lets give it a go, be open minded and all that. 

First of all, on a level I can appreciate this film in the way you can go with all your best girl friends to see it and giggle into your popcorn whilst Christian selects which whip he is going to use. Not to take it seriously and start claiming it is a cinematic experience, it is what it is. 

I do feel like this is the type of film that women want to go and watch, so why is this the only one we are seeing in the cinemas? And why isn't it better?

I feel like both films, 50 Shades of Grey and 50 Shades Darker, have no real substance to them? It follows two characters who don't seem to have much personality but just want to fuck each other, and other than that I don't see what their relationship is based on.

Christian Grey, often acts like a frigging psychopath, he lacks empathy for Anastasia, he stalks her and controls her. He outright forbids her to do anything that is not his decision. This is not a healthy relationship, neither an accurate representation of a BDSM relationship. 

Let's say for arguments sake, this man is not a billionaire, he is just some bloke you met on tinder. It would be fucking weird, if he turned up in your house uninvited then ties you up because he is horny. 

My other main problem with these films is that Ana is a virgin before she meets Christian, he then takes her virginity is a slow motion scene with some pop song over the top while she is over come with pleasure. Followed the next morning by her cooking pancakes in the kitchen, he then buys her a car, a macbook and a new phone. 

This does not exactly scream realistic to me. 

It has to be one of the most unrealistic films I have ever seen, and I have watched High School Musical. A canteen of people breaking out into song and dance quite frankly seems more realistic than being taken to a red room of pleasure by Christian Grey. 

Now, I am old enough to know this, that you're more likely to lose your virginity in a tent in a field after drinking too much Lambrini and Apple Sourz, than you are to a multimillionaire BDSM dominant Christian Grey. 

This does not set young women up with realistic expectations of sex. Clearly I know this film isn't intended to provide a sex education, but I hear woman say all the time that they need their Christian Grey or they would let him do all things to them. No ladies, you don't want to be tied and whipped by a man for his own sexual pleasure, unless of course you're into that, each to their own, but don't feel like you have to be, regardless of how much money he has and how fit is bod is. 

During both 50 Shades films I was mainly wondering what the fuck was going on. At points it was like guess the sex toy as he walks through his dungeon (*cough* I mean pleasure room)  like where the fuck does that go?!! Around her neck, on her wrists, OH NO her feet, obviously. 

In 50 Shades Darker, so many irrelevant things happen, who is that girl that keeps turning up, was she needed? 
At one point, Christian crashed his helicopter, what the bloody hell happened there? For 2 minutes he was missing, then rocks up in the elevator, like hey baby what did I miss?
Then they go have sex in the shower, I was like hang on, if I had been in a helicopter crash the last thing I would be doing would be having sex with anyone. Hell, after I crashed my car I didn't move for at least 24 hours, being thrust up against a shower was the last thing on my agenda. 

At the end of the movie, Christian claims her has fallen in love with Anastasia... at what point?! Did I miss something, did I nod off in the cinema, when did these two fall in love?!

I feel like this film does no favours to the wonderful actors, the narrative and script is just so boring, and it feels very rushed in order to bring money in at the box office. 

For me, I just would like to see woman portrayed more realistically in these films rather than a variation of holes for a man's satisfaction, I mean Anastasia come on, do you not have a period, get cystitis or wear a bra?

Again, this film mainly just made me laugh, I am not about to go to Ann Summer's and buy some jiggle balls whilst dreaming of being swept off my feet by a Christian Grey. I am just fine talking about the realities of sex, fumbling around for a condom and saying are you sure it was good for you?!?!

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this review, and let me know your thoughts on twitter or in the comments.

Speak soon, Beth xxx

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